in the Lord's wisdom (and timing)

I've been realizing how influential the Lord is in educating my desires. As a simple but clear example, when I first went to college and began dating, I didn't really want to stay home and raise a family when I got married. I probably would have done it, but I would have been very resistant and it would have been really hard on both me and my husband. But I didn't get married then. The more education I've gotten, the more I want to stay at home when I have children. However, even until recently, I have had a hard time with the counsel that couples should have children soon after they marry. I wasn't sure I wanted that counsel or that it applied to me. However, I didn't get married then and I didn't have children. In the last few years, my desires have changed so that when I get married I want to have children as soon as is reasonable and I want to stay at home and raise my children. What a difference a few years of having my desires educated has made! I appreciate that the Lord has worked with me and allowed me the time it's taken to get me in line with His counsel. It's been much easier this way than to be pushed into the choice by necessity. I think there's a few lessons on agency and teaching involved here.

questions

How would I feel about being a mrs....(insert male name here). Would I feel that something had happened to my identity; that I had been consumed by the identity of my husband? Do I feel the need to be individual? Would I prefer to be a mrs. (insert male name) rather than Shawna (insert married last name here)? Would I feel more 'his'? Would I feel more one? More protected and taken care of?

one of those days

Do you ever have one of those contemplative days when you realize you're not all you wished you were and that you have a really long way to go? When you just don't feel satisfied with yourself? Today is one of those days. It seems everything I read, everyone I talk to, and everything I do reminds me that I have plenty to work on. It's not that I feel depressed or have low self-esteem. I think it's called humility. But it's making me think a lot about who I am, what I want, and what I'm doing (or not doing) to get there. I suppose it's good for the soul. 

life is a degree

I finished my M.Ed. degree this week. Everyone else seems to think this is a bigger deal than I do. It didn't seem like that big of a deal to me - I had made the commitment, so I finished. Sure, it's nice to have accomplished something. That makes me feel good. But it wasn't the most difficult thing I've ever done. Of course, there were times of intense work and some big projects that required a lot of thought and effort. But most of the time, it required going to class and sitting for long periods of time, continuous homework, and always having it in the back of my mind, making sure that I had everything done for that week. I suppose what it required most of was diligence. I have never thought of myself as very diligent - in fact, that is one character trait that I thought I needed to improve. But here I am, having finished another degree. Maybe that's what life is like - just one long graduate degree. Most of it isn't that bad; there are a couple intense weeks and some stressful nights, but mostly it requires just a lot of endurance and doing the things that need to get done. Plus you learn a lot of cool stuff. 

it's true

I started working in the temple a couple months ago, and it's been an amazing experience. Yesterday I was working in the Youth Center, which is where we take care of the kids while their parents are receiving ordinances and then we take them up to be sealed to their parents. Every time, it's a really neat experience. When my shift started yesterday, two girls - Molly and Megan - had just finished being sealed to their parents. When I first saw them, I thought, "That's a lot of red hair." Then I looked again and thought "They are so wholesome. I can see it in their eyes." They went to change their clothes out of the temple white into Sunday best. They were so careful with the white clothes that I was surprised. I learned that the white clothes were theirs - they hadn't borrowed from the temple like most children do. They had everything - the white dress, slip, tights, shoes, hair ties, etc. I had never seen that before. It was impressive. And how wonderful - it is so much more personal and memorable when the clothing is their own. 

After their clothes were changed, I supplied paper and markers and we wrote/drew about their experience in the temple. Even Molly, who was six, was able to articulate and write down some of the marvels of the temple. They were just so good! It was clear that they loved each other and the Lord. I thought, "Somebody is doing something right with these girls." And it made me want to bring up my children in light and truth, as well. It was a perfect way to start a Saturday afternoon - in the temple, being reminded of the eternal nature of families and just how true everything is. 

glory

I was reading in Alma today, where we are introduced to Moroni. It says that "...this was the faith of Moroni, and his heart did glory in it...in doing good, in preserving his people, yea, in keeping the commandments of God, yea, and resisting iniquity" (Alma 48:16). So I started to wonder what my heart glories in. Not just likes, or delights, but really glories in. At first I thought of skiing, and badminton, and playing church music on the piano. I really glory in families, in parents who love each other and who are raising their children in love and righteousness.

I looked up what some of the prophets gloried in. Nephi says "I glory in plainness; I glory in truth; I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell" (2 Nephi 33:6). Ammon says "We will glory in the Lord. Behold, who can say too much in the Lord?" (Alma 26:16), and Alma says "I glory...that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God" (Alma 29: 9). And Jeremiah says "Let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness" (Jeremiah 9:24).

I talked with Steph about the concept, and she said that I gloried in temple work. We talked about the modern prophets, what they gloried in, and we thought that President Hinkley gloried in temple work. We thought President Monson glories in loving the individual. I don't feel I know enough about the rest of the prophets and apostles to continue.

I asked David what he glories in while we were in the temple, and he said that he glories in the Atonement and the ability each person has to repent and lean on the Lord. I realized that it's kind of an intimate thing to ask someone what they glory in, and I felt bad that I may have made David feel uncomfortable. 

During the session, I suddenly realized that the Lord's work and glory is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39). At first I was amazed at the Lord sharing this so openly with Moses, but then I realized that the Lord wants us to know Him. 

So, obviously, I have a lot of areas to explore. One obvious way is to continue to learn about the prophets and apostles so that I know what they glory in. I also want to be able to change what I glory in so that my desires are more in line with the Lord's. And do I know those around me enough to know what they glory in? How can we better learn about the Lord? So much to ponder! I love it. (not yet glory in it, but perhaps delight?)

Definitions:

1.	very great praise, honor, or distinction bestowed by common consent; renown: to win glory on the field of battle.

2.	something that is a source of honor, fame, or admiration; a distinguished ornament or an object of pride: a sonnet that is one of the glories of English poetry.

3.	adoring praise or worshipful thanksgiving: Give glory to God.

4.	resplendent beauty or magnificence: the glory of autumn.

5.	a state of great splendor, magnificence, or prosperity.

6.	a state of absolute happiness, gratification, contentment, etc.: She was in her glory when her horse won the Derby.

7.	the splendor and bliss of heaven; heaven.

8.	a ring, circle, or surrounding radiance of light represented about the head or the whole figure of a sacred person, as Christ or a saint; a halo, nimbus, or aureole.

9.	anticorona.

–verb (used without object)

10.	to exult with triumph; rejoice proudly (usually fol. by in): Their father gloried in their success.

11.	Obsolete. to boast.

missing the couches

I have loved living in this house for the last seven months. The house is beautiful, amazing, and huge. The roommates are thoughtful and fun. I don't want it to change. Especially the roommate who's moving out and taking the really nice couches with her. But it's not just her. It seems that most of my roommates will be moving out and I'm feeling apprehensive and just plain scared about the whole thing. I want to live here. I like it here. I don't want to be the only one left, and I don't want to search for roommates. Really, I just don't want to deal with the whole mess. It seems the conversation comes up every other day, and no one's any closer to a decision, and it makes me so stressed that I just want to escape. 

I need to remember that I don't have to stay here if my roommates leave - I could leave, too. I'm also fairly certain that I could find roommates to fill the house up if needed. And if I left, even though I would live in a smaller and dumpier place, that would be ok, too. And I could make new friends in a new apartment just as well. So although I love the space and the light and the couches, learning to rely upon the Lord is more important. 

What complicates matters a little is that I don't know what I'm going to be doing. I don't have a job for next year. I don't have a place to live, and I don't know what part of the country (or world!) I should be in. I just don't know. And I have to remember that the Lord's pattern for revelation is not to give full answers at specific moments, but to give bits of answers here and there - line upon line, precept upon precept. And that manna is provided one day at a time. We don't get a two-day supply. Instead, we have to have faith that the Lord will provide manna for us tomorrow, just as He did today. So. The conclusion of this rambling is that manna will come tomorrow and the next day, I will eventually receive the revelation I need, and that I'm ok and that I will be ok. But I will miss the couches.

I've been reading tons of books about teaching and education lately, and something Jeff posted the other day suddenly explained why. He said, "I think I was just curious to learn what this medical school experience meant to others with the hope that that would tell me what this experience meant to me." Yep. He got it exactly right. What has this meant to me? How have I been changed? Will it ever not matter? What will I think about my experience in ten years?