missed connections

Flying home for Christmas, I had a layover in Detroit and another in Minneapolis. Unfortunately, my flight leaving DC was delayed, so I missed my connections to Minneapolis and Kalispell. The airline put me up in a hotel for the night, and told me that the only option I had to get to Minneapolis was the next evening at 7:12. After considering my options, I decided I was going to get to the airport earlier than necessary to see if I couldn't catch an earlier flight out. Thinking my odds were best with the first flight out, I arrived at the airport at 5:45 am to see if I couldn't catch the 6:40 am flight to Minneapolis. It was full. I hurried to the 7:15 am flight, and was told that since I had a ticket, I wouldn't be allowed on other flights out. I could pay $50 and change my status to standby, forfeiting my ticket, if I'd like, but as it was, I wasn't going to be able to catch an earlier flight out of Detroit. I decided I'd rather keep my ticket than pay $50 and navigate the standby system.

Meanwhile, Detroit was in the middle of a blizzard (10 inches of snow fell by noon), and flights were being cancelled or delayed all over the place. The airport was full of people just waiting around, like me. At about quarter to five that afternoon, the status of my 7:12 flight to Minneapolis was posted. It was delayed. I was worried that with the delay, I would again miss my connection to Kalispell and have to spend an extra night in Minneapolis. I saw that there was a flight leaving at 5:10 and decided I'd go check it out. I sauntered down the terminal, and arrived at about 5:05, just before the gate was closing. The gate agent was letting on standbys, and he called out for people who had just misconnected their last flight. A few people stepped forward. He gave them tickets and let them on. He repeated his request, preparatory to letting on the rest of the standbys. I stepped forward and told the gate agent that I had misconnected the night before, that my ticket was for later that night, and that I was worried I'd again miss my connection. He looked at my ticket, printed out another one, and 20 seconds later I was walking down the ramp. It was that easy.

I arrived in Minneapolis with about an hour to spare, and I checked the monitors. The rest of the flights for that night from Detroit to Minneapolis had been delayed. Just before boarding the plane to Kalispell, I checked the monitors again. My original flight from Detroit had just landed, and I would not have made it onto the last flight to Kalispell. I called my parents to notify them that I had caught an earlier flight out of Detroit and that I was on the plane to Kalispell. They were extremely relieved; they had been watching the flight progress online and knew that I wouldn't have made it. I'm so grateful for the inspiration to check on the 5:10 flight so that I could get home!

a note about the weather

I've recently noticed that people complain a lot - myself included. We complain about the weather (no matter what it is), we complain about the amount of sleep we've had, we complain about having too much to do or not enough to do, we complain about anything and everything we're required to do, we complain about the people we work with, etc. I remember a friend at BYU-I telling me that she and her roommates had decided to stop complaining, especially about the weather. It's always windy in Rexburg, and really cold in the winter, so this was a bit monumental. She said that they had decided that saying something once about the weather was commenting (ie. "It's really cold outside today"), but saying something more than once was complaining. I remember thinking that was a really interesting idea.

I've thought more about this since I've been studying murmuring lately. Murmuring happens when we begin to question circumstances, and even subconsciously to feel that we know better. It shows a lack of gratitude and a surplus of pride. Take weather, for example. When we complain about the weather, we are saying that we don't like how things are (aka the weather is not handled as well as we think it should be. We think we could do a better job of it if we were in charge.). Who do we think we are? Do we really think we understand the weather or the effects of it more than the Lord? As Elder Maxwell illustrated, the farmer that prays for more rain and is frustrated when his prayer is not answered as he wishes may not realize that more rain would break the weakened dam just above his farm. We, being less than omnipotent, scarcely realize the effects of what we wish for. As a result, when things don't go our way, even in the midst of circumstances being ordered for our good, we complain. We murmur. The audacity of our pride and arrogance takes my breath away. I think it's time for me to stop complaining.

professional development and Prop. 8

Saturday I went to TFA's professional development. For the last two hours, I was with the group of people that I've spent all my time with for the last 18 months. By this time, we know each other really well. Because we've had to introduce ourselves to each professor in our GMU classes, everyone knows where I'm from, what my home life was like, where I went to school, what I've studied, what I like to do, a few random facts, and of course, the pervasive question of why I joined Teach For America. They also know that I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and that my beliefs are relatively quite conservative.

Anyway, while we were working, the topic of Proposition 8 came up. Several members of this group are openly homosexual, and the discussion became a venting session about Prop. 8. Everyone was pulling up youtube videos bashing Prop. 8 and organizing carpools to the protest on Prop. 8 that was going on at the capitol that afternoon. I didn't say much, mainly because everyone already knew where I stood on the issue, and engaging them in battle wasn't going to change anyone's opinions. Any comments I would have made would have been taken as a personal offense by those who were homosexual and would have only created more antagonism. No one attacked me, either, for which I was grateful, but I left feeling exhausted and defeated, as though I had been arguing with them for the last two hours. It took a while for me to get recentered, and I'm so grateful for the gospel, which offers truth for those willing to receive it, and which no unhallowed hand can stop - not even my colleagues who feel that Prop. 8 is, in mild terms, a disgrace and an unjustice.

dignity and initiative (avoiding being bossed around)

I started reading The Hidden Wound by Wendell Berry, and it's been fascinating. One statement in the beginning chapters has been a key to me in opening up new doors of understanding. Berry is describing a man, Nick, who worked for Berry's grandfather when Berry was a child. Berry says of Nick, "When there was work to be done, he did it dependably and steadily and well, and thus escaped the indignity of being bossed." I suddenly realized that if one doesn't want to feel controlled, one should do the work that needs to be done before being told to do it. That way, one is acting rather than being acted upon, and therefore feeling the benefits that come from taking initiative, rather than feeling resentful because one is being forced to do something. If there is work to be done, choosing to do it before being compelled to do it strengthens one's self-control while doing wonders for one's reputation as a 'dependable and steady' worker.
Berry also says about Nick, "In my memory of him, and I think in fact, he was possessed of a considerable dignity. I think this was because there was a very conscious peace and faithfulness that he had made between himself and his lot." This statement is similar to Alma 29:6, where Alma, after desiring a different work than that to which he was called, says, "Now, seeing that I know these things [the Lord giveth unto men according to their desires, whether they desireth good or evil], why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?" Both statements allow for ambition and agency while still allowing one to make peace with one's situation.

obedience

These last few days I have realized just a little more clearly how much is dependent upon our obedience. It seems that everything I read and all my experiences just emphasize the importance of obedience. If we want to have any happiness, obtain any blessing, or experience any progression in this life or the life to come, it is all based on our obedience. While we need to develop certain characteristics and become and become a celestial being, we can only really develop into the kind of person we must be through being obedient. Obedience truly is the first law of heaven. The real question is: how obedient am I?

field trip

Today we went to the pumpkin patch. It was the first field trip that I had planned, organized, and implemented, and I was concerned about it working out. After a few hitches, things went pretty smoothly. We had a lot of time, and not that many things to do. I was really worried about this, but we decided to just walk around, even though some of the teachers didn't see the point in this. That was actually one of the best parts of the entire field trip. I've decided that field trips work best when they are slow and the kids have lots of time to explore what they are looking at. After all the work and energy and worry that I have put into this, I'm so grateful that it went so well. One of the things we need to work on is the assumption that students should never get dirty. There were some really great activities that the kids would have loved, but they may have become dirty, so we couldn't do it. Really, since when has it become awful that 4-year-old children get dirty? It's ridiculous.

baptism

My roommate was baptized on Sunday, and it seems as though she's a little disappointed by the event. There was nothing hugely miraculous or monumental about it, and maybe she thinks it was a bit anticlimactic. Anyway, it made me think about my baptism. There really wasn't anything that novel about it, and it happened when I was eight years old, so perhaps I don't have the best memory of the event, but it was another step on the trajectory I'm on. I have always known that the Church was true; that has never been an issue. I think even now I wouldn't have any trouble making the commitment to be baptized. But I'm so grateful that I was raised in the gospel and baptized when I was eight years old so that I could have a lifetime to practice living the gospel and experiencing the amazing blessings that come from keeping the commandments.

Today I finished up the conference. I had more fun networking than I ever have before. I really enjoyed myself, despite my previous expectations. It was very nice. There are so many places I could work, and so many things I'm interested in. There's curriculum, and teaching, and home education, and mainly I just want to be a mom and raise my own family instead of raising other people's kids. And then, of course, there's always the tantalizing option of doing a Ph.D. overseas (say, Oxford or Cambridge).
As I was going down the escalator into the metro, the sun was shining, and I was going from the light down into the dark of the metro. The wind picked up just then, and blew thousands of tiny red and orange leaves into the air and then down on those of us on the escalator. It was like a light snowstorm of orange and red, and the light caught the colors as the leaves fell down into the dark, and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I was so grateful for colors and for light.

I went to a conference tonight that I didn't want to go to because I was grouchy that TFA took my three-day weekend and turned it into a mandatory conference. One of the panelists, Sophia Pappas, stated that D.C. is one of the few places around the country that TFA put early childhood corps members. Not only that, but I was in the first year to be placed in P.G. County. Not only that, but in reality, my school is really good. I could not have been placed in a better school as far as learning how to be a good early childhood teacher goes. I have an early childhood coach, for goodness sake. Early childhood coaches, in most people's understandings, are the ideal that they are pushing for but will never happen. And I have had one for two years - a really good one. I've had monthly professional development through my school as to how to run a quality early childhood program. Ms. Yancey let me do my thing without interference, and Ms. Pegram is supportive of just about anything as long as I have the data to back it up. All of these circumstances aligning is not coincidence. I have been lead, guided by the Lord without knowing it.
Elder (then President) Bednar used to tell us that we needed to have movement in our lives. If we were moving, then the Lord would nudge us into the right lane. If we pulled off to the side of the road and parked, waiting for directions, the Lord couldn't do much with us. We have to be moving and acting. Well, I was moving with as much clarity as I could manage, and the Lord did nudge me into the right lane. What's ironic is that it took me going to this conference to realize how much the Lord really has guided me. And the next question, I suppose is, Why? What was so important for me to learn or to do that the Lord would fix the time schedule so that I heard about TFA and applied just after the early childhood initiative began, and the first year that P.G. was open, and I was placed at Matthew Henson? Now that I have the knowledge, what do I do with it? That, I suppose, is the next step.

a fullness of joy

In Moses chapter 7, Enoch sees the span of creation. He sees the wickedness of the people and "refuses to be comforted" (Moses 7:44) until the Lord shows Enoch the coming of the Savior, the Atonement and Resurrection, and the Millennium, after which Enoch "received a fullness of joy" (Moses 7:67). Today I discovered that I, like Enoch, am "refusing to be comforted." The Lord has blessed me with so many things; my life is about as good as they come, and yet I continue to focus on the [relatively] minor irritations. When I come to the Lord for succor, He is trying to comfort me, but I have to allow myself to be comforted. The Lord won't take away my agency even for that! In addition, note that Enoch "received" a fullness of joy. He had to allow himself to be joyful; the Lord did not force Enoch to have a fullness of joy. As I ponder the plan of salvation and exercise my agency, I too can be comforted and receive a fullness of joy.

relaxing my guard

Last night I talked with Robert and reviewed the situation at work with him. It seems that I've been talking about the situation a lot, and I've realized that I haven't been completely forgiving, and I think that's keeping me from progressing. However, that's a post for another day. When I was talking with Robert, I realized that I don't need to worry about making the situation worse. I will continue doing everything I can to improve the atmosphere at work, but I don't need to walk around on eggshells. Things have been much worse, and if they get bad again, I'll survive. But in the meantime, I can enjoy how good things relatively are. I can find joy in the journey right now. And I don't need to use anger or suspicion to protect myself - I don't need to be protected, because it's ok if I get hurt or if things suddenly take a downward turn.

apple picking

Today a group of friends and I drove 45 minutes out into the country to go apple picking. Everyone else was quite excited about the adventure, but I found it depressing. When we arrived, we walked down rows and rows of trees to find some apples still on the tree. After picking all we wanted, we payed more than grocery-store price for them. Under each tree were piles of apples in various degrees of deterioration. Most of the apples on the ground were still usable, but since we were paying top-dollar for these apples, of course no one was going to pick up a bruised apple off the ground. It was hard to see all these beautiful apples going to waste. I asked one of the workers if I could pick up the apples off the ground for a discounted price, and she said that they weren't allowing that this year. So all of those apples on the ground will just be wasted. It was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. 

Something else that really bothered me was that everyone was eating apples. When I commented on it to a friend, she said, "Oh, I don't think they'd mind." One wouldn't do that in a grocery store, and just because there were a lot of apples around didn't mean that we ought to steal a few. 

But mainly what I realized was that I don't want the kind of lifestyle I'm living. I don't want to have to drive 45 minutes to buy apples for the same price that I pay at a grocery store and then drive back. I want to raise my own food. I want to take care of the land. I want to have land where I could grow fruits and vegetables. As much as I have learned to enjoy D.C., I need to remember how much I want to have a different lifestyle than the one I lead. I used to think that when I got married and settled down I would then have a garden and some fruit. But I think I'm about ready to settle down even if I'm not married. I want to be able to put some roots down and start living the way I want to live. 

a virtuous life

I have had such a sense of urgency for the last year or so to get my 'house in order': to get a food and water storage, to receive my endowment, to make sure I'm living my life the way I ought to be. Lately, however, the feeling has changed. Now I feel that the time for preparation in nearly over, and the time for testing is beginning. This scares me, since it's hard to know if I'm really ready for the hard times that are coming. I was reading in the Ensign this morning, though, and Elder Uchtdorf said "We recognize that we are living in a time of turmoil, disaster, and war. We and many others feel strongly the great need for a 'defense, and for a refuge from the storm, and from wrath when it shall be poured out without mixture upon the whole earth' (Doctrine & Covenants 115:6). How do we find such a place of safety? President Gordon B. Hinckley taught: 'Our safety lies in the virtue of our lives. Our strength lies in our righteousness.'" This is reassuring to me. I just need to make sure that my life is virtuous.